fearless honesty

The past few months have been filled with the best and worst moments of my life. I’ve loved writing about the wonderful stuff, but the shadows behind the screen couldn’t be told until now. I’ve agonized over how and when to reveal my experience with you. This space is both a public forum and a place I often reserve for beauty and peace. I do this for you and for me- our little oasis. There has been plenty of talk about the need for transparency on blogs, and I think we all know that the pretty pictures, bits of wisdom, and creative pursuits are only a part of everyone’s story.  What I am about to share is the other side. Although still raw, I feel like I’ve gained enough perspective to bring my very private struggle into the light. My hope is that it will be received with tenderness and perhaps help at least one other person that may need to know that they are not alone. Ok. Deep breath.

This past weekend would have marked my 16^th wedding anniversary. Would have. When the New Year rolled in, I had absolutely no idea what 2012 had in store for my family, nor would I have believed it had I been told ahead of time. I was so completely unaware of the tsunami headed straight for me, that I now mark the month of January as my last moments of innocence.

One morning in February, my husband unexpectedly announced that our marriage was over. He had just brushed his teeth. I was still in my pajamas. Waffle batter was waiting downstairs, along with the children. We remember these little details when the unfathomable happens- the only way to make sense of chaos is to cling to what we know. There was no invitation for discussion, nor any chance for seeking guidance. He had made his decision and there would be no changing his mind. He moved out shortly thereafter.  It was so sudden and swift, that I barely had time to catch my breath between the tears. I was blind sided. Blind sighted.

Was our 20 year partnership perfect? No, of course not. Whose is? We had our share of struggles as any relationship does that endures time and growth. But there was so much love, and I always felt how blessed we were to have found one another... divorce had never once been a discussion.

I have always done everything possible to keep my children safe from harm. I couldn’t protect them from this. That has been my deepest pain. Shielding them from any more agony than they’ve already suffered is at at the forefront of my mind as I navigate this new world of single parenting. And so how we are we? The three of us are at the beginning stages of healing. We talk about our feelings all of the time… whatever they might be. I always have with them, but now it’s critical that they have a safe space for all of their emotions. I save my very grown up feelings and thoughts for the huge network of support that has come rushing up to meet us and gather us in their arms. Oh, for the love of our wonderful community!! I talk to my mother, my aunt and my best friend every day. Those three are my rocks. I greet each morning with a little more vulnerability than I had before… but I meet it just the same… one day at a time. I have learned so much in such a short time. Accelerated growth, for sure.  I know without a doubt that there are two wells that never run dry- my relationships with friends and family and my connection to the natural world.

In fact, it’s my link to nature and the seasons that has buoyed me forward in the most magnificent ways. I will share more on that tomorrow, but I’ve discovered that each time my story has been disclosed… the receiver needs time to process something that isn’t pretty, nor inspiring.

Seeking serenity, beauty, and resourcefulness are even more important to me now, and I will continue to offer that to you on maya*made. Gladly! But I needed you to know the whole picture. Truth is so important to me.

My mother keeps reminding me that there is always a gift waiting even in the darkest times, because in every great challenge there is an opportunity for transformation and growth. It’s a process. When you are stripped bare and have been left in the dark without a compass, the only way through is to turn to the light. Each of us find our own sources for power and strength. I hope to share some of the discoveries and lessons learned as I make my way forward.

Creating something new out of something old has never been so compelling.

I invite you on this journey with me as I reinvent MYSELF.